rejected
Nik Bosyk, like many singles, turned to the web to find that special someone. Much to his surprise, the experience ended before it began. After spending 45 minutes filling out the questionnaire, the web site rejected his profile.
Bosyk was stunned. “I thought the other participants are supposed to reject someone, not the company.”
If you want to have a go at it, try it out.
Good one, Dan.
Poor guy. Having a dating service reject you has to be the ultimate low…
A lot of women in the Mesa area can be glad it weeded him out. Perhaps there’s no one there who registered on eharmony looking for a good time seeking, spiritually apathetic guy. I’m sure he’s a nice guy but that doesn’t mean that a service should stick him with women to whom certain qualities are important. He should stick to picking up women in bars or maybe Yahoo personals.
“I thought it was a sure bet,” he said.
Well, here’s the problem. eHarmony somehow discovered that he was an idiot. Since when is any form of meeting people ever a sure bet? When is anything ever a sure bet?
Anyway, this does make me curious about what this eHarmony site would think about me and what sort of people it would try to match me with. Maybe if I get really bored….
Moral to the story: Being honest with your questionnaires doesn’t always guarantee you a good time.
Speaking of eharmony, I dislike this site intensely. I signed up and did the free stuff. The monthly fees alone are staggering. I am unemployed and my little money is not going to be wasted on this site. They say it may take them 6 months to make a match, but within 3 days I couldn’t shut off my in box fast enough with all the countless matches. Then come the begging ads telling me “guys” want me to write them, why am I not writing them??? Duh, the damn money!!!! I would treat this site like all the rest, just more expensive and time consuming. Just the fact that it eliminates anyone “it” (reminds me of Hal the computer in 2001) doesn’t fit well within its system, is scarey. What’s even scarier is my former boyfriend of sorts (we split up 8 weeks ago) just called me to say he went on this site and is now “engaged” to be married. Well, they do seem to be working miracles over there on Eharmony. But with all the money in the world, no damn wonder!!!!!
However,
eHarmony also screens out any person living with any disability that may result in energy fluctuations, even though they do not ask for dis/ability information, because they ask gaurded questions about “energy levels”. They also automatically reject anyone who is a survivor of child abuse, regardless of other factors. In other words, if you’re not Barbie, don’t apply.
The only thing worse that e-Harmony’s harsh approach in ‘rejecting’ potential candidates right after they take the 1.5 hr. quiz are some of the online responses to those ‘rejected.’
Listen, if a website encourages people to be entirely honest, open, soul-search, and get through a long quiz, and then flatly rejects them (which I feel is socially and psychologically irresponsible) there’s NO need to rub salt it the wound with a ‘well, telling the truth doesn’t necessarily get you dates’ or “wow, we’re lucky they screened you out b/c the system works GREAT for the rest of us.’ It’s easy to think that Dave, or Tom, or whoever is a social deviant, but you TOO may have been 1 answer away from the line of demarcation/rejection, you never know!
Yes, it stings to be rejected by e-Harmony. I was rejected. I’m female, independent, smart, creative (yeah, I DO need certain patches of time to myself, NO I’m not a ready follower (e-Harmony must have asked that question 5 times in various forms, they seem to want to turn your “well, no I don’t ‘often’ follow people easily b/c they have a strong personality” into an eventual “okay! okay! I confess! I’m an individualist okay!! I don’t follow. You caught me! ‘Never.'” I’m educated, I want someone who can communicate, I don’t ‘know’ that I want 5 kids (I could be open with the right person), I do not go to church, but I’m accepting of other people regardless of slots they fit into.
I’d rather be me than the designer of e-Harmony, who has no problem inviting people to soul-search, gets their hopes up (the ad campaign and entire site are designed to do so) and then almost as an afterthought asks the IT dept. to write some formulaic ‘we can’t help you’ pop-up. That is not responsible. Or nice.
I keep seeing a lot about e-Harmony screening for depression. I am NOT a depressed person. I am very optimistic and energetic. But IF you’re considering an online dating service, if you have any human emotion like loneliness or unfulfilledness, yeah, out of honesty don’t you have to say “Yes, over the past month I’ve felt depressed” even if it was once, because you saw a happy couple walk past you? Was that the clincher that got me ousted? Maybe.
Good luck to everybody, regardless. Keep your spirits up.
(There was a great study conducted back in the 70s. A researcher took a group of school teachers into a classroom, and proceeded to tell them that people with blue eyes are superior to those with brown eyes. Within an hour this educated and initially skeptical group was divided (physically and emotionally), with the blue-eyes snickering and scoffing at the brown-eyes and nodding and whispering ‘we always knew.’ When she told the group later that the brown eyes were actually superior, they all fell for it again! e-Harmony people, don’t start snickering at the brown eyes! Don’t let them divide us! And don’t be so quick to judge.
Good luck, stay positive. Find yourself a soul mate (if that’s what you’re looking for).
Lisa,
San Francisco
I visited the e-harmoney web site hoping to meet the right woman just like the TV ads. As a white male I hoped to join via the interracial portal for e-harmoney. I ok maybe I can finally find positive Afican Amercan mate/partner and have all the great things of family children home and so on. But after 1 hour or more was rejected to. Well I know for a fact I know what I desire in life and positive too. E harmoney is just another joke/introduction program. I’m a winner without e-harmoney. As a white male I will meet my African American Princess and have wouderful family and life together.
Hey Lisa,
I was rejected also. I like your description of yourself. I doubt that I would have found that on eharmony anyway.
Well, I was just rejected as well. But, I think I can safely assume that the girl I’m supposed to be with was also rejected by eHarmony.
I WASN’T REJECTED BY E-HARMONY- BUT I WISH I WAS!!!
45 mins to fill out a questionnaire and I get 4 matches within 120 miles – 3 without pictures – 3 in the real estate business. Hmm. I’m 49 nine years old, very athletic, reasonably good looking (well I scored a 9.2 on “www.hotornot.com”) and I own a very successful international business.
If that’s all they could find me – yikes. But I do give them credit – you have a 7 day refund policy so you can get out.
The questionnaire does not ask about age preference or appearance (e.g. weight). I can see validity in some of the commenets above – the questions do seem to be “screening” for depression. dominance, selfishness… so at least I understand how it works now.
4 people?? 120 miles. I must be really awful. Or maybe I should just hang around real estate offices with a cardboard and try to pick up the single agents.
Good fun anyway.
thanks… maybe i wont waist my time and $ on this
maybe im just bord!
I hate to break the news to mankind but here it goes anyway, if people would just SLOW down and enjoy “the moment” we might be able to see that the person that is “right,compatible,our ideal dream partner” just might be closer then we think.It used to be that choices were limited by geography by no choice, now it is limited by to many geographical choices.
I have seen e-harmony ads and have often given thought to what it could do for me, but in my 30 some odd years I’ve figured out that I dont need anyones help on finding “my soul mate” I just need to slow down and enjoy the here and now. That special someone will come along so why sit in front of the computer to have them drop in my lap, I think I can use that time doing something I like and meeting new people outside of the house. Best of luck to all and dont be tempted to settle.
I was rejected, too. Yet the profile that resulted from the test was very flattering! They must’ve left out the bad stuff.
I did say that I have less than stupendous energy, but after working long hours in the publishing field, it’s simply unavoidable. I’m not a follower, nor a leader by nature. And I indicated that one of the things I was grateful for was my health. Maybe they took that as a clue that it wasn’t something I can take for granted (which is nonsense, I’m in fine health).
I don’t get it. It seems that they have a set of predetermined profiles, or at least that’s what they imply. I just wish they would enlighten us as to what those profiles are.
They won’t tell you what the predetermined profiles are because you could alter your answers, and then they won’t be able to screen out you riff raff.
“I was rejected, too. Yet the profile that resulted from the test was very flattering! They must’ve left out the bad stuff.”
Similar experience. I thought my profile was positive. I’m not sure what triggered it. I wish someone would crack the code of eHarmony and figure out what triggers it. Honestly I was in somewhat a depressed mood before I decided to fill out the questionaire. It’s a relatively rare mood for me, and it’s probably what triggered the initiative to get online and approach this whole dating thing.
I’m an ambitious, intelligent and ethical person. I work hard and approach life passionately. I’m really not sure what triggered it. The “dating agent” didn’t happen to hit it off with me, therefore nobody will? Of course, the majority on the other side can easily pass me and my complaint off in the same mindsed of the blue-eyes/brown-eyes experiment.
“Wow, we’re lucky they screened you out”. How could such a cruel, close minded person have not been screened? To so comfortably label someone you know nothing about…
I believe the system is broken, and the opinion generated by eHarmony is nothing more than the luck of having one bad opinion from one individual. Only that luck isn’t even generated by a human mind, but a mindless “system”. But if their strange algorithm works to link up other people, then good for them. This sort of medicine is more sensitive to placebo effect than any I know. The appearance of being “well designed” goes very far. People can feel afterwards that they were meant to be. Let them have that, because it is good.
As far as decrypting the eHarmony Rosetta stone… I see a common thread between my quiz responses and Lisa’s responses. Especially about the independent and strong-willed side of things. I am not the sort who is inclined to laugh only when others laugh, or to do what others do. I am independent, and if that banishes me, then I don’t really need eHarmony’s buy-in for who I am.
But they are, after all, in the business of satisfying the herd.
Oh, further “Rosetta Stone” evidence:
I’m an atheist, although I get somewhat spiritual when I consider all things unknown, and the beauty of our world.
I’m not very chatty, and I am careful about what I say. I’m articulate.
I’m kind, considerate, and honest.
I really have no impression about whether I’m good or bad looking. Tall, not overweight, well groomed, etc.
Clever and creative. Subtle sense of humor, although rarely I can be wacky.
I answered the “Have you ever lied?” question with “True”, even though I am a VERY honest person. I am quite skeptical about anyone who answers “False”.
I was abandoned by my mother as a young teenager, so the questions about current family relationships fall short. It is an incredible sore spot and perhaps a scar which eHarmony likes to poke. Of course, a human could understand circumstance, but no quiz system can handle it.
I was rejected too! We fall in the 20% of people who are rejected. I checked on “anywhere in the world” ,lol.. no one for me in the whole world. Oh well .. will have to try other avenues.
it is ok better luck next time
love a single girl
I was rejected by eharmony.com as well. It actually came as no surprise to me – I had already determined I don’t fall into a normal personality profile – although I was a little disappointed. I’d hoped to at least meet some people similiar to myself. Now, several years later, I’ve spent the last two years with an amazing guy that couldn’t possibly be more compatible with me. He also was rejected by eharmony.com. ^_^
Well, well, well….i am glad to see that i am not the ONLY one that was rejected by the great and all mighty eHarmony… i am thinking of starting a dating web site called… eHarmony Rejects… what do you all think? a winner!!!???
I’m also an e-harmony reject. Ouch! What a waste of my time.
Maybe we should start our own date matching website, solely for e-harmony rejects.
I got rejected too. I was depressed before, but that just made it worse. I think maybe my depression is what got me blacklisted. I put that I was more of a follower than a leader, so I don’t know which one they would rather you say there. Good to know that I’m unmatchable. No need to waste my time looking for a partner! Back to painting my beloved figurines! I’ve almost finished the orc army.
If you start a “rejected” site let me know. I take pride in my “outsider” approach to life. Imagine the world if more people were not followers. It reminds me of an old Chinese saying ” the nail that pops up gets pounded down”.
After reading the previous posts, I’m sure glad I did my research.
Thanks Everyone…. for allowing me to learn the easy way…. and not even apply!
Very expensive site who matches you up with people from a good planet.
If you are looking for someone who has good morals and values try the
library not the internet.
So good to find other folks have experienced the refection by eharmony. Frankly, I checked the “not ready” button anyway, as have little faith in a non face-to-face meeting scenario…. but those HAPPY COUPLE commercials were getting to me! Yeah – I’m educated, attractive, independent, energetic — lots of good stuff! But, maybe it was the drinking or all of the times I had to confess to being “most like” extreme and “least like” dependable, or submissive, or brain dead.
hm.
I just got rejected a few minutes ago by eharmony. My initial reaction was to laugh. I think in the back of my mind I was expecting that to begin with. I suppose maybe its not funny though, and I will eventually look back on this experience bitterly. Who knows? Now I’m wondering where do I go from here…
I saw an old friend of mine over the 4th of July & he had his new wife (of four months)with him. They met through E Harmony & could not say enough nice things about it. It was a first marriage for both & they are in their late 30’s. They had both been looking for “the right one” for years. I was impressed, & just hope people will not be discourged by the guy who was not accepted. His story actually makes me have more confidence in their organization.
Another reject here. I actually googled to see if a site had been set up by a fellow reject. At first, I thought it was because of my liberal, non-religious viewpoint but after reading the other posts from rejects, maybe it’s my indepence that did me in…
Ah well, I got a laugh out of it, too, and a good topic of conversation for my dates from Match.com. ;-)
Just wanted to say good to find that I wasn’t the only one !! I’m very independent and rather conservative, so based on the liberals above that mentioned their similar fate above, I would think liberal / conservative isn’t a factor. I think I’m rather unique (i.e not easily “categorized”) as well, so maybe they’re screening for people that are less unique, and more easily categorized…as harsh as it sounds, I feel they’re looking for simpler people. Complex personalities by nature would be much harder to match via a multiple-choice testing “system”.
Regarding depression, I’ll certainly admit that I’ve been a little depressed lately, but I would say lonely is more accurate…but I answered the questions very honestly, and I have a hard time believing that 80% of the people signing up for an online dating service aren’t lonely, just giddy to be single, and loving their life the way it is. If that were the case, there would be little need to go online in hopes of having better success than they’re having already.
Based on most of the other comments I read in this post, I too envision my “soulmate” as someone that’s an eHarmony reject…someone not easily matched to the simple people they’re looking for.
A these posts make me wish I was e-harmony reject. I got a better one for you-they matched me with my ex-boyfriend! The guy I was trying to forget. It seems we are “soulmates” and he just didn’t know it. E-harmony did not mind the fact that I do not date blue eyed men. It’s true-they give me the creeps. That was my deal breaker. I can handle depression and abuse, but not blue eyes.
I was rejected as well. First off, I wasted 45 minutes of my life filling out the same questions over and over again only to be advised that 20% of people are rejected and I am undateable. I am assuming that it is due to being victim of a uninvolved Single Mom who randomly subjected me to abuse. However, I’ve overcome it and live a normal life. I don’t think that my childhood should have me erradicated from the dating world. I wanted to be as open and honest as possible, unfortunately it got me nowhere. So where do the undateable go to find companionship? Or should I go the doctor and have my female organs removed? I probably shouldn’t be breeding either. In fact, maybe, all victims of unfortunate childhoods should be shipped off to an island somewhere and we can off each other like Lord of the Flies. Yes I’m being sarchastic and I’m sure these are not the kind of things an Eharmony girl should say, but where in the heck am I supposed to get a date?
I was rejected on two seperate occasions, which convinced me that– if nothing else– I filled out the questionaire accurately. I thought it was really funny the first time I received the DENIED notice, because I’d never before encountered a company which turns away revenue. The 2nd time I simply wanted to see if the initial attempt was a fluke. I have to respect the fact that the company acknowledges the limitations of it’s formulas. This is not an indictment– it is merely an admittance of the “bell curve” in personalities. I just hope that the highly individualistic among us do not come to foster an inherent distrust and skepticism of our fellow man, cause that will lead to isolation, sure enough.
I was just rejected by eHarmony and then I did a google search for “rejected by eHarmony”. I almosst burst into tears when I was rejected because, while I know that I’m not ready for a real relationship yet (I just got out of a very long, very serious relationship that ended very badly less than a month ago), I was hoping to at least begin meeting guys that I could possibly date and have a relationship with in the future. Then I saw the rejection screen and it just made me feel even worse. After all, all of those “how have you felt in the last month” questions had already gotten to me and made me feel bad. The main reason that I chose eHarmony was because it’s supposed to be safer than some of the other dating sites. Anyway, after reading all of these posts, it seems that I was rejected for being a “study in contradiction” (my mom’s phrase), so that makes me feel a little better. Hopefully, I’ll find the right guy on my own.
another reject here. seems the common theme is independence and maybe some depression. re: the question “name 3 things you are passionate about” i wrote the typical things, (animals,travel, etc) but also wrote i was passionately _disgruntled_ with people unwilling to be honest with themselves. maybe that did it!! got to admit, it does sting a bit…this same old theme of ‘differentness’ following me around.
What sickens me about the eHarmony ads I see on TV is the snarkiness of an avowed Christian psychologist pretending to have integrity about wanting to help people find a mate, when he and his system rejects one out of five. Christian agape love, reaching out to all, it is not. Self-enrichinbg, mendacious, it is. You ought to be ashamed, and some day in the great beyond you will have to account for your hurtful deception that gulls people into trusting you only to be slapped in the face. You give Christianity a bad name.
Another reject… Here’s what gets me. I went online because it’s hard for me to find the right person, because I’m complex and independent. I also suffer from depression and anxiety. (Though this isn’t a problem in meeting people in real life, especially when alcohol is involved). As was posted earlier, it is incredibly irresponsible to give lonely people this in-depth quiz and reject them. Also, it irks me that they’re presumably matching people who wouldn’t have much difficulty finding their soulmate without their supposed sophisticated matching system. Finally, in response to the emotionally unsophisticated comments, I would like to meet someone who understands depression and anxiety and knows I have issues with it. I don’t want to lie or be weeded out. Shouldn’t eharmony’s mysteriously complex matching system be able to accomodate everyone?
Yet another reject here, what a waste of 45 minutes of my life. Same as the others, a hint of depression, and independence.
Their whole business model is matching plain vanilla people together and rejecting the rest. But they are not upfront about this simple business model. It is unethical that they make so many people spend 45 minutes for nothing.
unbelivable, i consider myself as a fine catch. Full of character, ambition, one who knows no limitions. Mother of god….welcome me, an eharmony reject!!!!!!!!!
My wife and I took the eHarmony test one night to kill time and discuss our personalities and I too was “unmatchable”. This is after 15 years of very happy marriage and 2 great kids! I have a number of close friends who have said what a great marriage we have. I have solid family relationships as well.
So all of you fellow eHarmony rejects: take heart! This test is not a predictor of your future relationship success. It does not mean there’s anything wrong with you and it definitely does not mean you will not find someone perfect for you!
P.S. – my wife wrote this last paragraph :)
First of all, thanks, Steve, (No. 42) and to your wife, too. :-) I’m 49, an educated,(BA), self-employed professional woman, with no “baggage.” No kids, (except the kind with tails) no melodramatic exes, no jail record, no hideous illnesses – physical, psychological or otherwise. I’m not a religious fanatic, drug addict or alcoholic. Basically, I described myself honestly, and nothing I wrote is anything I would personally deem as a good reason to reject someone. I’m also 5″ 4″, 120 lbs., healthy and not hideous to look at, I’ve been told – which shouldn’t matter, anyway! (I also submitted a photo.) Regardless, I was “rejected,” too – which would have been fine, but what really KILLS me is that there’s NO explanation given. Nothing! They let you spend all that time pouring out your soul to representatives of “Mr. Smiling Nice Guy Who Lives Only To Make You Happy” on the TV Commercial, encouraging you to “come on down,” in between glimpses of those pretty, white-washed pictures of smiling, happy couples who supposedly either got engaged or married within 27 1/2 minutes of setting eyes on each other. Personally? I’d love to see a class action suit started against them, based on discrimination – and I’m also not a big fan of unnecessary litigation. But, hey – shouldn’t they, at the very least, be required to explain WHY we’ve all been tossed? What if it’s because they use the facts we provide in an illegal fashion, by digging around online where they shouldn’t legally be digging, and then deciding to reject us – for RELIGIOUS reasons, or financial problems, or other personal reasons which would, of course, turn up online, especially if you have the e-tools a company of this size has at their disposal. For example, my best male friend, after hearing my story, applied – just to see what was up – and was also rejected. The only thing we could think of outside of Mr. Smiley deciding that Wayne wasn’t pretty enough was that he’d had a DUI 8 years ago. Otherwise, he’s as “respectable” as anyone could possibly hope to be. (He’s been strictly sober ever since, doesn’t smoke, makes 80+ a year and has one “roommate” – a Golden retriever named Sam. Basically, he’s a catch.)
At any rate, I’d love to see someone pursue this – strictly because it’s unfair. I don’t care WHAT the “fine print” says. It’s discrimination, Period. I mean, personally, I have no problem with my own company, or with waiting for the right person to come along. Again, though, what enrages me is the audacity of this company to believe that it’s perfectly all right to play the bait and switch game with people’s feelings.
Anyway, thanks for listening to me rant.
I was rejected and then went back a few days later and tweaked a few of my answers and sure enough I was accepted…. i guess that shows the stupidity of their entire “system”
Until I started seeing those Chemistry.com commercials, I had no idea so many people were rejected by eharmony. I was rejected, and of course, I took it a bit personal at first. Since then I’ve come to realize, by looking at the whole picture), that this is all about the “making of money”. Everything else is of secondary importance, especially the emotions of countless individuals many of which may not have been feeling so secure about themselves to begin with. I can only speak for myself but constantly being on the outside looking in has a way of beating on self esteem. If you really think about the complexity of what makes up ones personality, How can someone be accepted or rejected on the sole basis of one questionaire?
eharmony’s organization exudes unethicality(not a real word, but fits)
I was rejected by eharmony last night, and I didn’t know they did that, so it got me pretty depressed. But after reading the comments above, I’d certainly rather be with someone like Lisa than those posters who claim to have been accepted by eharmony but are cruel and arrogant. James Connors, I’m curious to know what you tweaked, and how they allowed you to do it over.
I was just rejected, also, and I have no idea why. I’m stable, energetic, spiritual, happy, non-confrontational… Was it because I said one of the three most important things to me is caffeine? Eharmony sucks.
““I thought it was a sure bet,†he [nik boysk] said.
Well, here’s the problem. eHarmony somehow discovered that he was an idiot.”
That’s not fair, he’s a friend of mine and he’s not an idiot. He was a nice guy looking for companionship and he was trusting. Luckily he’s found a great woman outside the internet dating scene.
The solution is simple for those “about 20% of potential users” that get the “Unable to match you at this time” (myself included)…
Start an Anti-eHarmony site! Guaranteed membership to those (and only those) who have been rejected by eHarmony.